The Killing Floor - Week 14

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

If you are interested in Constructive Criticism for a piece of writing (it doesn't have to be Idol related) go ahead and post it here!

Everyone else - take a look at what's posted and give your best concrit! :)

It's really that simple!

Comments

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

Is anyone allowed to go or are we waiting for everyone to get a second turn or what? (Not even sure I want to go--just curious.)

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

Anyone can go.

Why not? lol

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

Let's pretend this is the opening chapter of my book (there may or may not be a prologue). Does it work for you as an opening chapter? Would you want to read the book?

I'm interested in any feedback, but especially:
- impressions of the characters
- voice
- dialogue
- places where it bogs down/doesn't flow well/doesn't make sense

http://n3m3sis43.livejournal.com/108312.html

[swirlsofblue.livejournal.com]

I've been trying to work up the courage to post something to the killing floor for ages, so here goes.

I'd especially like any input on characterisation and dialogue (as these are areas I struggle with). But I'd also like concrit on anything which could be improved and which bits work well.

http://swirlsofblue.livejournal.com/22719.html

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

I remember loving this the first time I read it in week 11, so I'm going to try really hard to come back and leave you some crit tonight or tomorrow. :)

[bleodswean.livejournal.com]

It's fantastic that you recognize this entry as being something of HUGE worth. It is. It is. And working on it, dedicating time and a polish to it will pay off - I think it could be easily submitted to the numerous short fic contests the world over. This wonderful bit of writing is compact and should STAY that way. You don't need to expand on it, it doesn't want to be a novel or a long short. It wants to be this short, sharp, thought-provoking shock.

It is an impressive piece - the idea of it, the tone of it, and your long-suffering protagonist.

On the sentence level, some things can be edited - word choices such as "shuffle" in the second paragraph. Is that the right action verb for that scene? It is confusing because "shuffle" is usually associated with a walking motion or cards. ;) You don't want the reader to leave your story for even a moment. Not a moment - the trick to this short piece is keeping the momentum on an even and sure keel so that you win the trust of the reader ENTIRELY. Be very careful of all your action verbs for this reason.

Which brings me back to your first metaphor - the photocopied days. I love this visual and it does work on two points: it sets up the mystery/question that nags at the reader about what actually is happening, and it also shows how tired Stephen is. But....is it the right analogy for these modern times? Do folks still photocopy things? I don't know, so this isn't a criticism, more of a question. It's your first chance to grab your reader and I was grabbed...but later, with all the advent of technology in the story...I'm not sure it works optimally. We open with a photocopy analogy and close with a possible brain transplant.

Your punctuation needs work, bb. :) Mainly your sentence breaks, paragraph breaks, and dialogue punctuation. Because this is an experimental piece, you are faced with the choice to go either pristine and classic in your punctuation or more unique. The choice is yours and I think either would work, but consistency is the key to success on that point.

Talk about your POV switch at the end. I'm on the fence with that segment. Convince me.

I can critique this on a sentence level if/when you're ready to commit to the piece. I can do it here, or by email. And it would be an honour.

I love this short. Love it.

[swirlsofblue.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for the wonderful concrit :D

Ooh, that's a good point, I will take a look at my word choices. Scooting might work better there. Ah yes, my punctuation can be a bit iffy. Is there anything in particular with the dialogue punctuation?

I can critique this on a sentence level if/when you're ready to commit to the piece. I can do it here, or by email. And it would be an honour.

I'd really appreciate and love it if you could critique it on a sentence level, I think by email will be better :D. But could I come back to you on the when? I'm definitely not going to have time to work on it in the next couple of weeks.

Glad the metaphor pulled you in. We still use the photocopier all the time in one of my volunteer jobs, there's a lot of photocopying still done in legal offices, banking and teaching. But I get your point, the question needs to be asked: would photocopying be used ten years from now. I think in a way it emphasises how Stephen is effectively stuck in the past in '2013', every day since being a repeat of that same time and place.

The POV switch:

It begins with Stephen's POV, he's the one aware of what's happening, then switches to Marcus' POV, because it's his story too, he's struggling too, even if he gets to forget later. This is their story. But the longevity of it, the entirety of the stretch of time is Stephen's. The real heart of Marcus' story comes later, afterwards, his adjustment, his recovery. But for now, in this moment, it's Stephen's, he's the one who has waited, struggled, loved seemingly fruitlessly all this time. It begins and ends with Stephen's POV: this is Stephen's story.

[bleodswean.livejournal.com]

Send me a word doc when you're ready!

[swirlsofblue.livejournal.com]

Cool, I will :)