The Killing Floor - Week 2

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

What the hell is this? It's a special place for people to submit their work for critique. Not "You rock", but no being an asshat either. Actually looking at the work and thinking of ways to make it better.

Why "The Killing Floor"? - I've had this in mind for awhile. The working name was "The Cutting Room Floor". But then I got that Howlin' Wolf song stuck in my head, and thought it sounded better. :)

How does it work? People submit their work - from a previous week of Idol or non-Idol work (NOT this week's entry) - here. I'm going to start out limiting to the first 5 to submit and tweek it as needed in the future. Then people come in and comment on it/make suggestions. Again, the purpose of this is to help. If you are incapable of giving actual constructive criticism (it's a shame that I have to say that, criticism should be constructive as a rule!) then this isn't the place for you, keep on going.

We're going to try this out and see how it goes.

Comments

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

http://n3m3sis43.livejournal.com/99686.html

[bleodswean.livejournal.com]

Heh, you most obviously DO NOT need to be smacked. At all. You've got a GREAT imagination and a quick way with words. As with much fantasy....it's easy to get lost without paying very close attention or without having an entire story to buoy the reader up in the choppier sections.

Right off the bat, though, you threw me out of your writing with your first three sentences. You might consider tossing the entire first paragraph.

Rainy season's begun with a vengeance, and the wind howls through the trees something fierce. There's a full moon, but clouds block most of its light. Thunder rattles the windows in their panes and I shiver.

I realize you're going for casual vernacular in the "voice" of your character but "rainy season's" just gave me too long a pause while I tried to sort it. Same with the punctuation in the second sentence, and then the issue with window and pane being the exact same thing - how can a window rattle in itself?

So, are you taking this story and these characters into a full-blown piece of writing?

[theun4givables.livejournal.com]

I have to agree with bleodswean when it comes to that first paragraph -- I think I didn't mention that before because while I LIKE the paragraph in and of itself, it also doesn't sound much like Eric/still sounds a bit too much like the version of this which will not be named.

The other is Eric's voice. He's fairly innocent for a 14 year old, which I like, but upon rereading he sounds too much like a younger kid in some parts. And while that can work for some parts (14 year olds are sometimes weird that way), I think making him sound a liiiiittle older but still naive would do wonders for the prologue. :)

I still love this so much, though. I really do.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

I think you have the germ of a YA novel that could be really compelling here. I agree with bleodswean on that first paragraph though. In fact, I would recommend going back over the entire piece and dialing it way down.

You're writing from the POV of a 14-year-old. You need to inhabit that POV, and that means taking out every single descriptive line that isn't something a 14-year-old would say. Sure, every 14-year-old has his/her own unique voice. But I'm fairly sure that no 14-year-old would write a line like, My dark curls fall in my face, and I brush them out of the way. The writer here is supplying information about hair color for the reader's benefit, but I can assure you the 14-year-old doesn't give a shit about hair color given the circumstances you're describing.

See where I'm going with this critique?

If you cut back on that kind of verbiage, you'll probably cut the length of the piece by 2/3. But this (necessary) pruning will actually make yr story easier to follow and add to the hey-waitaminnit: What IS going on here? reaction, which I suspect is the effect you're trying to achieve.

Hope this helps...

[gratefuladdict.livejournal.com]

I'm really liking the plot!

I'll echo what a few readers have already mentioned. Eric's narrative voice is very inconsistent - sometimes very young and down-home, and other times, more grownup and serious. I think mallorys_camera made a great point - it isn't just about choosing the voice that Eric would use, but also narrowing your story to his point of view when he's telling it, so that you notice and share only what he would. It makes the perspective feel more honest and realistic.

I agree with what you said about how all the 's and 're additions to your words can feel awkward at times to read. I would say that a lot of the local vernacular you've used works really well, and is easy to understand quickly. I do think you might want to consider dialing it back a bit, though, and just sprinkling in a few of those terms (or references to local places or events) per chapter. You don't have to build the whole world in one vignette.

The other thing that jumps out at me is that you have a lot of descriptive phrases that feel shoehorned in there, like this one:

All at once I'm freezing, like the time I fell in Loyalty Creek the week before Wintertide. It's the kind of chill that sticks with you, long after you're snug in bed under all the quilts you can find.

I loved the idea of a chill that sticks with you. It's relatable, it's visceral. But it's buried under all this filler, and once it gets that long, it pulls me away from the action and compromises the suspense that you've been building.

Here's how I might rewrite it:

All at once I'm freezing. It's the kind of chill that sticks with you, even when you're snug in your bed.

Don't be afraid to slash words, and even whole sentences, that don't have a lot of energy to them. I like to read my writing aloud to myself. It helps me to see where the pace is off, or a word doesn't feel right, or a sentence is a little blah.

I think you've got some good stuff here.

[elledanger.livejournal.com]

Okay, just remember you asked for it. ;)

This is a good concept... but.... I think it would benefit by switching to third person (with a tight narrative focus on the protag). This would allow you more scope and more access to other characters than first person narration allows. With first person you are kind of trapped in that one head. Third person with a close focus on the protag will let the narrator make comments and observations that would not be available to certain first person narrators.

I'd also have a think about other ways you could structure this, it doesn't open as strongly as it could and whether that means the entire opening needs to go, or whether you need to try a different approach, I couldn't say for definite. But I would try out both options.

If you want, I am willing to offer very detailed feedback via email (PM me your deets) because there isn't the room to really go into it at length here.

But I do also note that you've said this is a possible prologue to a thing - and what you might find helps more than anything is to carry on writing and to get the whole story down. Once you have the entire thing written, you can then go back and edit at your leisure, and with a much firmer grasp of the voice you want to use.

[theun4givables.livejournal.com]

http://theun4givables.livejournal.com/183939.html

Because writing funny is generally not my bag, baby. Nor is first person. ;)

[elledanger.livejournal.com]

Okay - as with any crit feel free to take from it what you want, and disregard anything you don't agree with. This is simply what I'm seeing, and I tend to be fairly forthright.

Editing is your friend.

The final section of this piece is good, and taken on it's own and expanded just enough to let the reader know that Tobias has been trying to learn how to tell jokes, it would work really well. The punch line would have a lot more punch to it. The problem is that so much has gone before it that you're at risk of reader apathy.

You seem to have a lot of ideas that are about three-quarters formed and instead of developing them you move onto the next segment. Rather than building any suspense, what this is doing is pushing your reader away and disconnecting them each time. And what you're doing is making more work for yourself. After each break you're having to recapture your readers attention.

Any one of these segments fleshed out on their own would have provided you with much stronger piece. Although I would ask whether you needed the first section at all? That Tobias and Levi are an angel and a demon doesn't impact on this particular story. Nor does the character work (the flirting and the situation comedy) add significantly to it.

Bringing the whole thing into tighter focus on the two characters and the struggle to tell the joke would have resulted in a tighter more direct, and funnier piece. Especially as the focus of the piece is laughing at the inability to tell the joke, something which sadly you needed to resort to telling your readers; more focus would have let the piece illustrate that for you.

It's a good idea, and the ground work is all there. just yeah - edit, edit, edit. Or as my dad used to say "If in doubt, cut it out."

Feel free to respond to me privately if you want, if you want to respond at all. And most of all, good luck and happy writing!

[anyonesghost.livejournal.com]

I remember liking this piece when you posted it. (Memory doesn't fail me, I still like it. ;-) ) I'm not adept at 'teh funny,' but let me see what I can do here:

I like the idea of an angel trying to learn humanity through humor. (Especially given the prompt.) One wonders how many of the great comedians made it up to Heaven, at that.

A lot of the rhythm in this piece really falls on Levi's narration. I'm not sure if you were aiming for more Elmore Leonard or for the Jersey Shore here? Either way, I think it needs some polish for consistency. e.g,

"So it shouldn’t surprise me that when I come back from grabbing us some drinks, Tobias is no where to be found at our booth. A quick search of the bar leads me to him. At least he’s sitting with a couple of girls this time? Both are smiling, twirling their hair. Poor guy looks almost uncomfortable."

vs.

"So it don't surprise me that, when I come back from grabbin' drinks, Tobe is up and gone. I find him across the room with a couple a' girls; they're twirlin' their hair at him. Guy looks like he's shitting holy bricks."

vs.

"So it comes as no surprise that Tobe is gone, outta there, when I come back with our beers. Some girls had nabbed him, pulled him back to their table in the corner. They were giggling at him and twirling their hair into a g*ddamn Bayeux tapestry of bad decisions. At least it's girls this time? Tobe looks like someone tried to a ram a Mack truck up his--"

"Levi!" He waves me over. Girls take a look an' look less than thrilled.

Does that make any sense?

I think it's mostly just a question of fine-tuning, really. I like the concept, and you have a lot with which to work here -- you just need to settle in on a well-defined voice, and then the story should tell itself.

At least, that's my opinion. I could be wrong. :-) Still, hope this helps!

[alycewilson.livejournal.com]

I truly loved this piece, and think your use of voice is good. The humor came across well, too.

My only suggestion would be to make it even more so. Make the most of the moments between Tobias and the demon by tightening up. For example, these sentence: "So it shouldn’t surprise me that when I come back from grabbing us some drinks, Tobias is no where to be found at our booth. A quick search of the bar leads me to him. At least he’s sitting with a couple of girls this time?" You could pare those three sentences down to one, "So it shouldn't surprise me when I return from grabbing us drinks, Tobias is sitting with a couple of girls."

I'd like to get some more hints of what the demon is like, as well. Maybe offhand observations from Tobias?

At this point, I think it's all about tweaking.

[iwriteflash.livejournal.com]

This was my week 0 entry. Looking for ways to improve it. Thanks
http://iwriteflash.livejournal.com/901.html

[banyangirl1832.livejournal.com]

As you mentioned in the comments, there are a few comma issues, but nothing that's not easily fixable.

Instead of just stating the lines, I'd love to see each line more fleshed out into a mini scene. Put us in the wife's shoes, in the girl-child's shoes, in the girl friend's shoes. But the starkness works as is, so it's your choice.

Overall, this was powerful and I love that you did it for International Women's Day.

[anyonesghost.livejournal.com]

I actually like this as it is structured today, but I would personally use shorter sentences. Place full stops instead of commas. Even if they're fragments. It hits harder. It is more direct. And you're hammering these points home.

At least, that's my opinion. :-) It's a slightly different style, and certainly different from what banyangirl1832 is suggesting above, but it may work for you. (If it doesn't, that's fine too.)

[elledanger.livejournal.com]

This was really nice, but just verged on the edge of being free-verse, which is where I think it would have gained a bit more power. Made it feel more angry. To me at least it feels like a piece that should have some anger behind it. So shorter sentences, a few changes in word choice to make the rhythm more staccato, and that could then contrast with the final line.

I really enjoyed it over all though, it's very competent.

[vaudy.livejournal.com]

http://vaudy.livejournal.com/141052.html

This was scarier than I expected. I kept refreshing the page going "I'm sure five spots will fill up in no time!"

Anyway, this is one my Exhibit A pieces, one that got a lot of great comments, but was nonetheless the piece I went out on. :D

[bleodswean.livejournal.com]

Is there a reason you don't reply to the comments that your readers make?

You refer to this piece as a "sketch" - do you want it to act as a small stand-alone bit or do you want to expand your world-building and people it with these characters? It does work on its own.

It starts off very strong and you do a great job of allowing the reader to know very quickly that this is an artificial environment - that's important! Your first three paragraphs should be integrated into one and that then leads into the confusion about a "bed" that she is reclining on. That threw me out of the visual of grass....is it like a planting "bed" then? That could use a bit more clarifying descriptors.

Break Jennet's physical response to Henry's call out of his dialogue and it goes down in the next sentence with her verbal response.

The rest of this first part is really strong.

In the second part, Henry's expository "speech" feels stilted. Wouldn't she already know all the things he's outlining? There might be a way to explode that paragraph into more dialogue that isn't so "obvious" between them.

I liked the last two paragraphs.

[talon.livejournal.com]

I remember liking this enough to comment on it, and on re-read, I still like it a lot. I think the piece works into the prompt nicely without being overdone and flows very well; I like the characters and their voices, too.

As for why you went out on this piece — I suspect that you may have lost some people because, by and large, it feels a touch too fluffy — there doesn't quite feel like there's enough happening in the piece. At the end of six hundred fifty words, we have a relationship that's mostly happened offscreen, knowledge that they're on a ship somewhere and that this is some sort of post-apocalyptic world, but that's about it. No real conflict and resolution, nothing to really draw people in and make them care deeply, if that makes sense. Not to say that every entry needs to be meat and potatoes and an epic story arc, but I think this may veer too far into opposite direction of ethereal whipped cream.

(Re:comments — I get what you said above about social participation, but replying to comments is generally a good idea — it gives your readers a nudge that, yes, you are reading what they've taken the time to write about. Glad to hear that there's less stess this time around.)

[banyangirl1832.livejournal.com]

http://banyangirl1832.livejournal.com/88299.html

One of the weeks from last season - this one was an idea that I liked a lot, but I think the execution fell a bit short of the mark. Any crit would be appreciated!

[elledanger.livejournal.com]

Okay - as with any crit feel free to take from it what you want, and disregard anything you don't agree with. This is simply what I'm seeing, and I tend to be fairly forthright.

This is a piece of two halves, two very distinct halves. If that was the intention, well done - you've succeeded. However I feel it could have been a much stronger piece by focusing on the latter half. ("For a long time, my dad had this huge shadow of a secret" onwards). It feels a little as if you were warming up to the topic, and by the time paragraph five hit, what came before was largely irrelevant. It's a lot of (very nicely written) scenery that doesn't add anything extra.

I'm not seeing any major issues with the writing here, merely the editing. If you can get a feel for where the 'story' kicks in and be a bit braver in removing what isn't actively adding to that, I think this could be a lot tighter.

There would certainly have been room to incorporate things that you were particularly fond of from the first half, into the latter half.

I get the impression the (past) secrets of the dad were meant to be reflected in the daughters (current) secrets, however the disjointedness of the two meant that didn't materialise. If that was the intention I would suggest looking including more interaction between the two to enable you to demonstrate the difference between someone no longer hiding their secrets and someone currently doing so.

Feel free to respond to me privately if you want, if you want to respond at all. And most of all, good luck and happy writing!

Thats it

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the interest. But no more entries this time around.

Read the entries already posted, and let people know what you think.

Re: Thats it

[unmowngrass.livejournal.com]

Just out of curiosity, how come it's limited to only 5 people?

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

This was a great idea. I hope you do it again. As a newbie, I would welcome this type of criticism.

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

I'm definitely going to do it at least once a week for the next couple of weeks. People who submit their stuff one week won't be able to do it again until other people have had their chance. (otherwise it will just be the same folks stepping up week after week)

So hopefully we can see you here next time!

[tigrkittn.livejournal.com]

Love this. This stinkin' hippie thinks you rock, Gary.

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

I'm really loving the intelligent concrit bleodswean is giving here. It's smart, it's not at all unkind, and it allows for the writer having different processes and intentions-- and considers how those approaches might affect the desired outcome.

[bleodswean.livejournal.com]

*licks you*

I love receiving strong concrit so I try to frame observations in the way I would like to hear them.

[iwriteflash.livejournal.com]

I'll be reading and offering my two cents to the stories posted here just as soon as I finish reading and commenting/voting on this week's entries.

This is a great concept and I'm sure it'll be a hit :D

[crafty-callie.livejournal.com]

Wow, I'm really sorry I missed this! I guess I'll have to keep a closer eye out for the next opportunity :(

[witchwife.livejournal.com]

Did I miss this? Damn. Hope another one goes up.