Green Room - Week 18 - Weekend Edition

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

There were many nights when I was curling in a ball on the floor, crying in pain, wanting to die. Waiting for it.

Anyone who has gone through dental problems knows what it is like. Maybe not when the infection gets to the point that the pain is shooting up the side of your face, because most people don't wait that long.

I waited because I wasn't able to afford it.

That's the truth. Or at least part of it.

The rest is that I had read that the infection could kill you - and I wanted to die.

There were nights that I thought "If I wasn't so much of a coward, I would just end it right now". I really wanted it, but I couldn't do it.

I had tried a few years before - before the divorce, after the first time I found out that my wife had cheated on me.

It was the worst plan ever - take a bunch of pills and never wake up. I did.

But I completely forgot that they were homeopathic! I got really sick, but that's all.

So I knew that I wasn't "smart enough" to actually be successful. My only real option was to let something else kill me.

I had friends that I could talk to on the phone. But none of them were local, and most of them had lives. I loved and was loved in return - but even that felt as hopeless as it turned out to be.

The people that I could talk to on the phone, they helped keep me alive - and most of them I knew from having started LJ Idol.

This was what Season 4 looked like from inside my apartment. Me, barely holding on to what little I had left inside me, because I had make a commitment to the contestants that I would finish the season.

There were people who legitimately hated each other - and some who just liked to pretend that they did in order to get under their skin.

There were factions and people trying to cheat (or "prove a point" as one put it).

Splinter groups being formed and threats against my life (from people who had my address and could have got there) were made.

LJ Idol was all that I had. Or more accurately, at that moment, it felt like all that I had - and there were people openly talking about how badly they wanted to *destroy it*, because I wouldn't let them be in charge, and I eliminated them when they had the fewest votes. It "wasn't fair" and they said that I "had to pay".

They formed their own versions of Idol and more or less crashed and burned (one is still around, pretty much on life support. They were the ones who recently came back, trying to recruit people) because they didn't have that one thing that I had - I was *living for Idol*. No one was going to put more of themselves into it, because no one ever needed it as much as I did.

I wanted to die, but seeing these people who loved this thing that I had created, this gift that I was giving to them, that was a bright spot. It was something that I could look at and say "These people have changed from this and produced work that would not exist without Idol. That would not have happened if I was not still alive".

For all of the people who wanted to make my life -or each other's lives - hell, there were people who just genuinely wanted to be there, to experience what the group had to offer, and take something positive away from being a part of it.

The dental problems were eventually addressed. Relationships came and went. I got out of my apartment more and actually made some friends.

Even the things that seemed too big to handle, they ended up being handled.

It was a crazy/completely fucked up chapter - and I'm really glad that I was able to see how it played out.

I wasn't being a coward. I just needed something to focus on, something to "be brave for" when being brave for myself wasn't enough.

Those feeling though, even now, they wash over me from time to time. It's not really a "dark cloud", it's more like a plastic bag someone has put over my face, pulling it tight.

In those moments, the "what if" comes into my head. But I have so much more going on in my life right now. It's not just "living for Idol", I'm at a point that I want to live *for me*. Because damnit, things are good. Even the bad shit that comes from every day life and relationships - it's still pretty damn good.

Idol has been a part of all of that for me. It was there when I needed something to hold onto it.

Whatever you might be going through out there, I hope that it can be there for you too.

Comments

Important stuff

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

There's no good transition, so I'll put it in the first comment. (Sorry about your Frists)

topic: http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/770282.html
Work Room: http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/770473.html
Killing Floor: http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/770622.html

Re: Important stuff

[adoptedwriter.livejournal.com]

Happy 1st, Gary! You deserve it! AW

[roina-arwen.livejournal.com]

Idol is awesome, and I'm glad that you fought through the pain and all the other stuff that was going on, and now you've got tons of LJ Idol friends and an awesome fiancee and family!

*HUGS*

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

It's funny. This afternoon someone asked me how my family was doing, and it took me a moment to fully grasp what he was talking about. Then I was "WOW, yeah, I HAVE A FAMILY!!!" :)

I've been telling this story a lot this week...

[kshandra]

So I knew that I wasn't "smart enough" to actually be successful.

I once drove to the local emergency psych facility rather than off the nearest freeway overpass because I was fairly certain that I'd manage to fuck that up, too, and not die. (I ultimately decided not to check myself in that afternoon; twenty years later, I still question that decision.)

Here's to all of us who made it...and all of us who didn't.

Re: I've been telling this story a lot this week...

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

*raises glass*

Yeah. I wasn't planning on saying much of anything about it. Because it feels like everyone else was doing a really good job.

Then those reminders start popping up again, and tonight I got that "I want to talk about it".

Do you think you would be better off right now if you had checked yourself in back then? How do you think your life would be different?

[reckless-blues.livejournal.com]

Good lord, what on earth is wrong with these people? I can't think of anything on the planet more benign than LJ Idol. The rules are simple and fair enough, and everyone votes according to their wishes, and in the end it's just people writing short stories and poems on the internet.

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

Just my opinion - based on things I've seen over the years: people will find ways to fight over anything.

If someone you don't like gets further than someone you do - something is wrong with the system and it needs to be fixed!

Not "people disagree". It's either "people are wrong" OR "someone else is cheating!"

Combine that with certain personalities needing to feel like they have "influence" over the bigger group, and you can have a problem brewing before you know it.

[ellakite.livejournal.com]

Gary:

I'm sorry you had to endure such emotional pain that you seriously considered ending it all. And understand something: though I do suffer from chronic bouts of depression, I never really seriously considered ending it all. Granted, part of it was that for a very long time I was so terrified of death that I simply could not consider killing myself as a valid option. And so, whenever someone tells me that they once attempted suicide... well, that tells me that the individual had suffered through an experience so awful that I truly cannot imagine it.

I'm glad you found a reason to live for yourself again... and I thank you for sharing this with us.

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

Thank YOU for continuing to share your stories and struggles.

[porcelain72.livejournal.com]

Speaking as a season 4 survivor (well, almost--I came in third), I will say that, yeah, that was quite the clusterf*ck there. One of the reasons I decided against trying again (though to be honest I did at least briefly consider it every season since) is that I was convinced that each subsequent season would be just like it. Best as I can tell they haven't been, though, which is interesting. I guess 4 was just the perfect storm of egos, shit-stirrers, people deluding themselves into thinking they were better writers than they were, and just plain looneytunes. But I did meet some good people through it, so there's that. I'm sorry something that brought you so much joy brought you an equal amount of misery.

[xo-kizzy-xo.livejournal.com]

I briefly keep hoping you'll return, but I know why you haven't.

[kickthehobbit.livejournal.com]

♥

I wish I had something more profound to say, but...♥

It has been six years and six days since I last tried to kill myself.

I am grateful every day since then that I didn't go through with it.

You find your reasons. Sometimes they're weird. But.

Yeah. Just. Yeah.

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

If they work for you, who cares if they're weird! ;)

Actually, given that *it's you* I'd be surprised if they weren't!!

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

*hugs and cookies*

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

*kicks you for being a hippie*

*takes ALL the cookies*

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

Season 8 is one of the reasons I'm still alive. My son was born that year, and he's the other one. I'm glad you're still alive, too, and that things aren't so awful for you anymore.

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

That makes me really glad that Season 8 happened.

[swirlsofblue.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* I'm sorry you had to go through all that and glad you're in a better place now.

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

Me too.

But *kicks you for your hippie-hugging ways* ;)

[favoritebean.livejournal.com]

OH, this makes my heart ache. I'm glad you're still here, and I feel lucky to have made your acquaintance through idol.

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

The feeling is most definitely mutual.

I wasn't actually planning on writing this out. But I've been having some conversations about "that place" trying to make a comeback and it got those wheels turning again.

With the conversations about depression that the death of Robin Williams have stirred up, it just seemed like the time to do it.

One of the perks of being in control of the microphone is that I can say whatever pops into my head. ;)

[agirlnamedluna.livejournal.com]

I missed s4 to play but not all of The drama, unfortunately.


But I am glad you came out on the other side victorious :-)

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

You were too busy being a damn foreigner! ;)

(or resting from Season 3!)

Me too... looking at my life now and comparing it to then, it's like I'm two very different people.

[ashgaelsonaria.livejournal.com]

idol has been an interesting and i ejoy writting around the prompts.
but it is my children that keep me going.
while i once promised someone i would think about how it would effect him i realized a long time ago that he would not be affected at all beyound the reality that he has no control over me.
well, my children who really need me and this relentless stuborn streak i have.
as i was not suposed to live this long and have almost died (noy by my own hand ether) several times its mostly my relentless stuborn streak.

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

Being too stubborn to die is a good thing.

I'm glad that you have those children to inspire you to continue to fight the good fight.

[kandigurl.livejournal.com]

Wow....I had no idea you'd gotten to this point! Also, I have a tooth that will get really bad if I don't do something about it, but, money. :( I should probably just suck it up and get it taken care of before it eats my face.

I've always been impressed by how seriously you take Idol, how you show up at every deadline and tally the results, how you keep on posting topics. I know if I were running this show, I'd get bored halfway through and be like, "Okay, dudes, the next topic will be up tomorrow morning, sorry for the delay!"

You also manage to deal with things fairly, and when they don't seem particularly fair, I'm impressed with your ability to say, "I said so and this is my show, so deal with it," but in a way that makes sense, is calm and rational, and doesn't make you come off as a dick.

If you ever start a company, I think you'd be a good boss. ;)

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

I ended up having to get extractions. Fortunately they were the teeth all the way in the back, on both sides. Honestly, in the state I was in, losing them was bad enough/humiliating. I can't imagine if it were my front teeth.

But yeah, dealing with dental problems is *extremely* important. You should definitely do it as soon as you can.

[theun4givables.livejournal.com]

Idol reawakened my urge to write, back in Season 8.

Without that same urge, I likely wouldn't be here. Without Idol, I wouldn't have met my best friend and largest source of support, n3m3sis43.

Idol has watched me struggle with my own bouts of suicidal ideation and has watched me pull myself back together once my marriage fell apart entirely.

I owe a lot to Idol, so I'm so, so glad that it gave you a reason to keep on living, and that you're still here to run it. <3

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that Idol has been able to be there to help you get through all of that.

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

The amount of pain expressed in these posts is overwhelming, but I honor each of you for finding ways to live past those days and your strength in sharing it with us. You have experienced despair that most of us have never approached, yet found ways to pull back and be with your family and friends, some of whom may not know of your struggles, but all of whom are surely glad you did.

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

People experience struggles in different ways.

What might seem overwhelming when looking in at someone else's life might be a bump in the road to someone else.

I think all we can do is appreciate each other's struggles and do what we can to not add to them.

[adoptedwriter.livejournal.com]

I joined up in Idol maybe in 2008 or 9. I think I missed a lot of the drama. I've absolutely loved every minute of my time here. It's very inspiring as a writer and as just a person. My life is enriched by knowing you all. AW

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it was definitely "before your time".

I'm glad that you have been able to get so much out of it!

[bleodswean.livejournal.com]

You are a strong writer and this moving piece is a testament to both your pain and your ability to make it relatable. I'm so sorry to hear you were in such a bad place. And very glad things are so much better now.

The temptation to dismiss any encounter online as "but it's only a _____________" has begun to be the jumping off point for cultural anthropologists and social psychologists to delve into why the internet can be batshit crazy. And why that craziness can affect us in ways that are staggering and deeply personal.

This "game" has myriad worth and I certainly sing your praises for being such a fantastic host.

*a decidedly un-hippiesh hug*

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

(for all of that)

*considers kicking you anyway, just in case it's a trap*

[eska818.livejournal.com]

I won't say that this season is the reason that I'm alive - but it is the reason that I'm writing more consistently. It's the reason that I've pushed myself to join other writers in a workshop, and the reason that I've tried to make friends, even though I usually feel like I don't deserve them, and am not good enough for them. It's the reason I've met people that inspire me, people that make me want to keep trying.

I guess when I think about it, by extension, participating in Idol this season has given me something to focus on, something other than my depression and suicidal thoughts - and because of that, I'm not dead, or checked into a mental health ward.

I'm glad you stuck to your guns, and I'm glad that you've moved forward. It gives me hope that there's something to look forward on the other side. I want to get there.

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

There is.

I'm not saying that I don't go through "Why do I bother?" and times when it seems like someone is speaking on behalf of those doubts in my head that I'm just not worthwhile... but I'm getting better at dealing with them. Most days. :)

I'm glad that Idol could help you with those things. I think it's the best thing around. But then again, I created the group, heck I created the genre! It's a reflection of who I am! I'm a tad biased.

[kathrynrose.livejournal.com]

Here's something a little peppier, you know, in case anyone needs pom poms this morning.

[theun4givables.livejournal.com]

I like that I am not the only parent in existence that actually lets their child climb on top of things like countertops.

I mean, the kid has better balance than I do, and it's quite fascinating watching him go. :)

(Also this was adorable)

[medleymisty.livejournal.com]

Idol certainly helped me when I was in a bad patch. I'd already been through the worst of it, and then Idol got me talking to people again and being social again, and I saw that people outside the Sims community could see me as a pretty cool person and could like me, and that maybe I wasn't the horrible broken toy that no one wanted that the Sims community said I was.

Then the anxiety came back, but that's not Idol's fault. It's just the way things go. Like actually right now I am reading all these comments and I am thinking "Am I one of these people who are all bad and wrong and drama-y and no one wants me around here either?"

But still, Idol really did help me find my feet again, and now I am back in the Sims community on Tumblr, where I am stable and I have good friends and I finally managed to find the good people in the Sims community, people who don't judge me and hate me over the tiniest of things, people who actually support me and take my side and validate me when I tell them about all the hate and all the creeping on my LJ and everything.

And Idol was a big part of me getting healthy enough to go back out there and to do that.

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

I'm really glad that you are in a better place now.

I just wish there was one of those switches that people could turn off whenever that "are they talking about ME??" voice starts kicking in. You start feeling that urge to get worried about it, and just reach inside, press a button and suddenly a feeling of "Oh that's right, PEOPLE LIKE ME!" courses through your body.

I know that I could use one sometimes! :)

[tjoel2]

Thank you so much for sharing that. You just never know what's going on with other people on the inside. But so much of experience those same feelings and thoughts at one time or another. It just takes someone to tell their story, like you did, for one other person to say, "I felt that too!"

So, thank you.

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

That was the hope.

[marjory.livejournal.com]

I had no idea things had got so bad for you. I am very sorry and wish I had known so that I could have helped. I am a nosy cow like that.

I have never attempted suicide, but this is largely because I have known a number of people who succeeded and... no. Not by the time I have talked myself down to a more rational place and the cacophony in my head has abated enough.

Depression and anxiety, well, I am the (drama) queen. Medication (thank you, NHS!) and CBT have helped immensely. And yes, finding things to keep me going, as hard as any of that is through the fog, even something as dumb as loom bands or picking flower bulbs, it's the key.

Idol, as frustrating as it has sometimes been, has also been a lifeline for me.

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

Sometimes that's what it takes, just having that way of being able to step back from all of that noise in your own head and get centered again.

(and for some people - medication to help them do that)

[p-m-cryan.livejournal.com]

Season 4 is when I joined Idol, under the handle norda. Oddly enough, Season 4 of LJI happened in one of the only years during the past decade where I ***haven't*** had moments of wanting to end it all. Including this year. Fortunately so far, it's only been moments of feeling that way.

So far my brain radio seems to be tuned towards "I'm NOT going to kill myself today", rather than "I'm going to kill myself today". I only have to look at October 27th, 2011, when a good friend committed suicide, to keep my brain radio tuned properly.

I'm glad that Idol is here. I'm glad you're here, Gary.

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

*makes sure the knob is turned toward NOT and then breaks it so that it can't move anymore*

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

Gary, as a motivational speaker, you're a pretty good suicide hotline.

That bag over the face image... Brrr! I guess I'm lucky to be mostly "neurotypical", whatever the hell that means. I can actually count the number of panic and grief episodes since adolescence in one hand, barely.

And I've now lost friends and family to drunk driving, suicide, and cancer. It's all enough to make me sympathize and do whatever I can do to help.

As always, it helps to know I'm not alone when I have shitty brainweasel days.

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

It's funny, because sometimes those "You are not alone" campaigns annoy the grap out of me. ;)

But if they reach even one person, they're worth it.