Apology

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

I've spent a few hours watching Survivor: Marquesas. I would say "deep in thought" but that was more going on in the background while I watched the episodes.

When we finished with one disc, I went to the bookcase with the sliding cabinet to get out the next one. The door was stuck. My head was pounding from the migraine I've had for the last day or so, and it was just so frustrating...

So I pulled on it and it came off the track!

I kept trying to put it back on, and it just wouldn't go. I just kept getting more and more frustrated by the situation. I couldn't get it back on, but I couldn't just let it sit there.

So I stepped away for a few minutes, got myself from Advil, and just allowed myself to think through the situation.

I had lost control and fucked things up by acting rashly. It's not something that happens very often. But it does happen.

It doesn't make it right or excusable.

But it's something that I try to acknowledge in other people, and so every once in awhile I need to remind myself to extend that to myself as well. Sometimes we have bad days and do stupid shit. The best we can do is try to fix the situation and not topple the whole damn bookcase over or break anything in the process.

Had I not stopped and taken that breather, and got something for the migraine, things would have gotten much worse before they got better. Because that's what happens when you respond to things without actually stopping to process.

After a little while, my head was calmer, and I realized that I needed to remove everything from the bottom shelf of the bookcase. So that's what I did.

I moved it all to the table and worked to carefully move the sliding door into position, lifting gently on the bottom of the shelf to get enough room for it to get back into place.

Eventually, it got there.

That's kind of what happened last night as well. I saw something that pissed me off - and instead of doing what I usually do, take a few minutes and collect my thoughts and respond to it or just ignore it... I tore the whole damn door off the track by deleting the comments.

I can say "I was in a really bad head space". I can say "the migraine was really bad". Heck, I could point to whatever position the moon happens to be in (not really sure actually) but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter.

Not one bit.

I fucked up.

I shouldn't have deleted the comments. It's not what I do.

It's not what I have done in the past. It's not anything that I could see myself doing in the future. Heck, it's not something that if you asked me the day before, "would you do that?" that I would have said "Yes, I would".

But I did.

I fucked up and pulled the entire door out of the track.

The question being "How am I going to put it back where it belongs?"

That's not as easy as moving some stuff off a shelf.

I can start though with an apology.

First, and in my mind, foremost, to Idol itself and everyone involved with it. You deserve better. I shouldn't have let my feeling "thin-skinned" at a moment impact my decision making abilities like that.

Regardless of circumstances. I just *should not* have done it. I fucked up royally and I promise that this is a mistake that I am going to be carrying and doing my best to never allow myself to get anywhere close to making again.

There ARE conversations that need to be deleted. There ARE times when I need to step in and just squash things.

This WAS NOT one of those times.

You shouldn't have to deal with this in Idol. You just shouldn't, and I'm sorry that my bad mood and idiotic actions ended up making you have to deal with it here.

Specifically to kathrynrose and xo_kizzy_xo (also to gratefuladdict and n3m3sis43, although I don't recall you being in the thread or what you said)
If there is someone that I am not remembering - please insert your name here.

I shouldn't have deleted the thread.

You have the right to your opinion and to express it. You should feel free to do so. Not looking over your shoulder. I hope that once the dust eventually settles, and the sliding door is in place once again, you will be able to get to a place where you feel comfortable doing that again.

Given how long we've known each other - I've never known "feeling free to speak your mind" to be much of a problem. ;) Hopefully that will continue to be the case, it keeps me on my toes!

I let you down.

I let myself down.

I let Idol down.

I can't restore the posts. But I can restore the commitment to a free and open discussion.

Starting with

I fucked up. I'm really sorry. Hopefully I can fix this.

Comments

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

I totally get being in a mood (or under pressure) and doing things you wouldn't have done under other circumstances. I hope you feel better soon.

[gratefuladdict.livejournal.com]

You and I? We're good.

[whipchick.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I support you and Idol and the glorious writer community that we are, even when we're full of snark and poking each other.

Now I'm going to sit on my own side of the car and softly sing, "I'm not touching you...I'm not touching you..."

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

Are we there yet? How 'bout now? How 'bout now?

[eska818.livejournal.com]

-walks in, completely oblivious-

Dunno what happened, but I hope everyone is okay, or will be soon. o.o

-continues avoiding confrontation like the plague-

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

Ha, I was part of the thread and missed the whole thing until it was brought to my attention. Can't get more clueless than that. XD

[eternal-ot.livejournal.com]

Exactly my thoughts..I guess it's sorted by now..:)

[alycewilson.livejournal.com]

Looks like I missed out on the controversy. We all have bad days. Hopefully, everyone involved will be able to move on without too many hurt feelings.

[snarkerdoodle.livejournal.com]

Absolutely no idea what this is about (as I hadn't caught up yet on the results, topic, etc posts yet), but as usual, you're handling it directly and straightforwardly (it's Idol, I can make up words, right?), which is why you're awesome at running this thing. And awesome in general, too. ;)

[eternal-ot.livejournal.com]

I second this.

[kathrynrose.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this.

[xo-kizzy-xo.livejournal.com]

+1

[roina-arwen.livejournal.com]

You're only human, Gary. We love you, and you're entitled to a boneheaded mistake every nine seasons or so! *hugs*

[barrelofrain.livejournal.com]

I completely missed this, but this is one hell of an apology. I respect anyone who is willing to be accountable for times when they mess up.

[lrig-rorrim.livejournal.com]

Thank you. That's a good apology, right there, and I appreciate it.

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't know what you did, specifically. But moderating isn't easy. I've done it at various places over about 15 years, and sometimes it's very difficult to resist hitting the "delete" button. I've had to walk away from the computer, literally, to keep from reaching through the screen and strangling people I did not agree with. (Not saying what happened here was that severe - or maybe it was moreso - just giving my own examples.)

Apologizing is hard, so doing it takes some character, I think.

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

I was in the thread and I guess I missed the earlier part of the discussion... but couldn't it be replaced through the email LJ Comment function? I have, on occasion, used this when people have deleted comments in my journal/dropped me from their friendslist.

It's one of the many reasons why I like LiveJournal. Even stuff that has been lost can potentially, or at least partially, be salvaged.

Good going on the apology. It is difficult a lot of the time to be level headed when things get emotional. We all make mistakes or react badly some of the time. Not all of us are as forthcoming or contrite though. Don't beat yourself up too much. It is, after all, only a game! ;)

[aimercat.livejournal.com]

see what happens when I work a day shift?!?!? I miss all the fun (and drama)

[kandigurl.livejournal.com]

I am with everyone who does not know what happened, but agree this is a good apology, and a good reminder for shit situations in general. You put so much of your time into this that it's a given stuff's going to happen from time to time, we're all only human here.

[teenagewitch.livejournal.com]

Its okay. We all make mistakes and I know your a good person.

[binaryorchid.livejournal.com]

To be honest, I missed the mentioned conversation because I was not at home yesterday and my phone gave up at some point.

I guess that is what humanity is about (i.a.). To sometimes do things we will not be proud of afterwards. A really strong and good human trait, however, is the ability to apologize, like you did.

TL/DR

[xo-kizzy-xo.livejournal.com]

For those of you utterly lost as to why the apology: Gary deleted a thread in the WR in which both kathrynrose and I stated some things which he obviously interpreted differently as we meant it. Other people had chimed in while I was at work, and by the time I went to lunch the entire thread had been deleted.

Again, others called him out on it in the latest GR while I was working. He apologized there, but also decided to post a formal apology too.

[ashgaelsonaria.livejournal.com]

Hm, lose internet for a week and that's when the excitement happens.
Don't know how long its going to last. As long as I stay connected long enough to get stuff done and a game or several downloaded and installed to the next book I snagged.
Watching the dead white and blue weekend while doing this.

[furzicle.livejournal.com]

Speaking from personal experience, Gary, now that you've expressed a very well phrased apology, DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP OVER THIS ANYMORE!

[adoptedwriter.livejournal.com]

We all fuck up now n then. As the song says, "Let it go....Let it go..." I missed the excitement, but I know how these things can happen. Hugs to all. AW

[bleodswean.livejournal.com]

No idea what this is about but this is an admirable apology.

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

I came in late to the whole thing, though I can see why discussion might have gotten heated. I can also understand how a migraine might distort and magnify pretty much anything, and cause missteps or overreaction.

So while you (Gary) make mistakes as anyone does, though, you really tend to be heavily on the side of standing back and re-evaluating, and this apology is one of your truer and better points, I think. It's very "you."

Now, as for the week's topic itself, and the personal amusement of Gary and anyone else... I wrote this (http://halfshellvenus.livejournal.com/617123.html) story as a Yuletide extra back in December, and it was the first thing I thought of when Gary put the topic up (you'll see why about halfway down). I also thought about it during the Crimean invasion. It was more widely read on AO3 than here at LJ (because where's the fandom?), so you won't see much in the comments, but some of those at AO3 left me a sad that some people weren't familiar with that particular reference.

There are parts of history you really never should forget. Some are darker than others, but all the negatives are still in danger of recurring...

[porn-this-way.livejournal.com]

♥

Thank you for not being one of those crazy AOHell type 90's forum mods.

[miintikwa.livejournal.com]

/joke-mode-on

HEY! I was a 90s AOL forum moderator! HOW DARE YOU!!!! *huffs and stomps*

/joke-mode-off

...there's a reason it was nicknamed AOHELL. ;)