The Killing Floor - Week 11

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

I'm going to open it back up to everyone this week. BUT I will ask that if you HAVE gone before, to wait 24 hours and if there is still one of the 5 spots available, go ahead and take it.

If you haven't though - this is a great chance to come in and get some of that good ole constructive criticism that you have been craving!

Comments

[bleodswean.livejournal.com]

I'm not coming at this with fresh eyes because I've been reading along with your serialized installments, so I already have a feel for these two...

Let me ask you this, first. What is your ultimate goal with this? How long do you see it clocking in at? And is the sex going to get more explicit? There are many opportunities online for work to be "published" in this genre, so it's viable, for sure. But...out the door? There's probably too much intimacy in the first few thousand words unless that IS the tone you want to take with this.

I like these guys. I mean, how can you not? They are likable and very real. I don't now and have not really gotten a vibe of "emperor" from Jazz.

This is a strong opening - the missed phone calls is the perfect segue way into the dead mother. Nice! But now we need some exposition or internal monologue from Savin. What is his relationship with his mother? How long have he and Jazz been together? What is Jazz's relationship with both Savin's father and mother?

And I think that means the reader is hooked because these are the questions that over-ride the experience of this introductory bit.

keep going.

Oh, and I want to "see" the boys. Paint me a picture with words.

[theun4givables.livejournal.com]

Ultimate goal: show what they were like prior to certain events that will happen later in the book, because uh -- we have a similar, "destruction of a relationship," idea, except J&S are supposed to possibly, hopefully, work through their shit (if it weren't for extenuating circumstances). Length-wise, the first draft came in just under 90k; this current draft is at roughly 20k, and I think it'll clock in at about the same length.

Sex probably isn't going to get more explicit, because of that. While I do enjoy writing smut, this go around the boys seem to want to be tamer. SEEM. So far everything I've written for this draft of GM appears to be less... explicit? But the innuendo and fading-to-black is certainly upped.

Yay! :) I like when people like my babies, hah. And yeah, Jazz is like, anti-politician like until he is actually in Emperor-mode, but politicians are (mostly) human beings, too, y'know? That's what I like about him and his contrast with Mitchel, hah.

Next chapter actually starts the morning of the funeral -- where it's revealed that Savin and Nina were close, Savin and his father (Hajime) are not, etc. It's also where I first start dropping hints of how Jazz's relationship with Mitchel may be detrimental to J&S's relationship. And I'm glad that you have all of those questions, because yes, that does mean the reader is hooked! :)

And yeah, I am AWFUL about descriptions -- I tend to drop little hints here and there, but yes. I need to up that, a little bit, thanks. :)