Green Room - Week 25 - Day 6

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

This post is about you.

Completely and utterly about you.

Because that’s how it “should” be, right?

Not that you would ever ask for it, or imply that you deserved people talking about you. It’s less about that, and more that they shouldn’t be talking about anyone else! ;)

***

There was an article yesterday on Yahoo news about some kid who was approaching 13 years of perfect attendance in school. Which – OK. Good for them if that is something that they value. Especially given that it was apparently in an area with a high rate of truancy. So, nice human interest story.

You always hear that people should be concentrating on GOOD news after all. So, here’s a bit of good news.

Granted, it was on yahoo – and yahoo commenters are notoriously awful people/trolls getting their LOLs by pretending to be awful people (and where is that particular line anyway? But I digress…)

But one of the very first comments was something along the lines of “My friend did the same thing – where is his Yahoo article?”

It wasn’t even the usual yahoo brand of turning things nasty – there was just this entitlement that came in, instead of “well, good for her”, there was an instant “I know someone who did this too - and they were never praised by Yahoo!” There were people who jumped on from there – the basics being that if they (or their friends) weren’t being praised, that no one should be.

It’s nothing new. You see it all the time – From I’m not praising myself, so no one should to “I made this sacrifice – so everyone should make it”.

It’s an interest attempt of influencing group think, trying to use guilt to make people not feel good about themselves – because the person talking doesn’t think much of themselves when push comes to shove… OR they do, they just don’t think that anyone else is really as good as they are! ;)

What’s even more of a WTF, is when it actually WORKS! (using a Survivor: One World example is Christina starting to repeat that she is, indeed, a cockroach!!)

Maybe there are just some people who don’t like to see other people feeling good about themselves. Just like there are people who enjoy taking public stands against stuff they end up doing anyway. (My favorite example is the person I know who railed against adultery and Clinton and how awful he was as a human being, and then posted of picture of herself with her arm around Newt Gingrich at an event!)

People are interesting, interesting creatures – and a good number of them don’t want to see you build yourself up. You should be using your energy to build them up instead!! ;)

So, this post is for you! Use it to build yourself up by saying “I don’t do that!!!” or wonder if you do… or pretend that you don’t read every single word before revealing elsewhere that you do! Or build a spaceship to take these words to your alien masters, who are coming to destroy all of humanity by the end of the year. Oh yes, I know about YOU and your “secret” plans !!

I know what this poll http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/562742.html means to those plans – so you had better make sure you survive it!!

Comments

[noodledays.livejournal.com]

yeah, it's sad how true this is. dang Gary, now I have to go think about something happier - but in the meantime, I'll tell you how very awesome you and all your efforts are!

*and lo and behold, I'm first again so I better proudly proclaim it - FRIST!

[ellakite.livejournal.com]

You're *DEAD* to me!

enjoy the cookies. you've earned them.

[rattsu.livejournal.com]

Soooo close. Congrats instead!

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

You are getting really good at making the First/Frist post! Congrats!

[n3m3sis42.livejournal.com]

Second?

[whirlgig.livejournal.com]

Absolutely;)

[whirlgig.livejournal.com]

THRID!

:)

people will never cease to amaze me at what they will do to knock others down.

[noodledays.livejournal.com]

I know, right? it's hard to really understand, now that I'm past the age of 12. ;o

[rattsu.livejournal.com]

I dunno what you'v been on lately Gary, but your green room rants (Grrs) have been a lot more philosophical and thoughtful. Too bad that I haven't had time to participate in them too much...

But yeah, some people can't stand the happiness of others it seems.

[kathrynrose.livejournal.com]

I was thinkin the same thing (about Gary).

...

[ellakite.livejournal.com]

There's something wrong with me.

I can't find a single flaw in Gary's statement.

But I just can't get up and say "Yay me!" without a damned good reason.

Mind you, I am NOT saying that it's wrong for other people to do it. I'm just saying that I have a personal problem, with the emphasis on the word "personal". It's the way I'm wired, so to speak.

Admittedly, I had a *VERY* rough night (didn't sleep at all), so that is not helping my mood at all...

Re: ...

[pixiebelle.livejournal.com]

I understand. I love others feeling good about themselves, but I can't stand up and say "yay me!" without feeling weird, like I'm not deserving of that. But it's a personal problem... And I know it's a problem. I think it's great when others can feel good about themselves, it's something I'm trying to work on since I can talk other people up, just not myself.

[pixiebelle.livejournal.com]

The group think concept is precisely my issue right now. At work, I'm being treated like crap regardless of how hard I work. This every aspect of my self-esteem is down the tubes. Unhealthy environments breed insecurity.

That being said, I've come to realize what I'm good at when it comes to people. I like to validate others and make them see the good stuff about them. It's one reason I'm always complimenting people. And my therapist says this makes insecure people feel uncomfortable and to actually make friends, I should show less of that. That way it feels more genuine. But I can't help it, I see the good in everyone and I like validating others. I'm like that guy in the video notodette posted in the work room awhile back. It comes down to me needing validation from others and giving what I know I'd need... But it's always genuine.

I couldn't imagine tearing someone down. That's just not me. I do that to myself instead :P

But then I feel bad saying stuff like this because it does sound like I'm patting myself on the back and I'm not one of those people who usually does so. So there ya go.

A few nights ago, I dreamt of evil clown dolls, last night it was werewolves (and not the Twilighr kind, but the kind that would actually rip you to shreds). I don't usually dream much, but these are just entertaining to me. If I write a werewolf piece next week, you know why!

[noodledays.livejournal.com]

awww, I'm sorry on both fronts (especially about work). I get your therapist's point, but it is sad that you should have to restrain something that comes naturally to you. <3

[alien-infinity.livejournal.com]

I'm trying to say "yay me!" for something as simple as an objectively high (for now!) poll standing, but even THAT has to be qualified with "I think I'm due for a major crash ANY SECOND NOW." I want to poke the poll and be like "are you sure you're not bullshitting me?" And that's a concrete thing with actual physical (virtual?) evidence behind it. When it comes to praising my more intangible successes and positive attributes, I have trouble like whoa. This isn't to say others shouldn't praise themselves (they should!), just...my brain, it is wonky. :/

[michikatinski.livejournal.com]

I'm with you on the high poll standing. I'm all like, "WHOA!!!!!" And I have to remind myself pointedly to enjoy it rather than waste time doubting it. :)

Even though I don't know you that well, I think you're all kinds of lovely. Till you show me evidence to the contrary, that's what I'm going to continue to think. :-D

*hugs*

[ashgaelsonaria.livejournal.com]

Please. I have no master and am quick to teach those who presume they can command me the truth of their mistake.
My people however are already here.
You may as well begin construction on my devine temples now.

[ellakite.livejournal.com]

<KOW_TOWS/>

I'M NOT WORTHY!!!

I'M NOT WORTHY!!!!!

I'M SCUM!!!!!!!!!!!!

I SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[michikatinski.livejournal.com]

Folks who hint heavily that I'm not really as awesome as I think I am because *they* don't believe in *their* own awesomeness are kinda jerky, in my unhumble opinion. False humility is way more unattractive than hairy legs (shows off her hairy legs). :-D

That being said, Idol has been a really wonderful antidote to my own remnants of false humility, and I'm really grateful for that. The folks around here are really talented and really lovely, on the whole, and I feel awed to be in this company. <3

[java-fiend.livejournal.com]

I think hairy legs are far sexier than false humility. People who fake humility should be kicked harder and more repeatedly than Gary kicks hippies. Seriously.

[rattsu.livejournal.com]

It's funny how things take you off guard. I thought I was at peace with being a good writer, and that my own opinion was good enough for me, but at the same time I have been scouring the net for reviews about my newest story. I finally found one, and while it was good (they said they were still waiting for a book from me they were hoping would be as awesome as they thought it should), there were other short stories in there that had got better reviews. I wasn't the best this time. And, ridiculous as this is, I felt bad. Turns out that despite all my work on exorcising this need for validation from my heart, it is still there somewhere, and it's a greedy thing. Good wasn't good enough, I had to be the best.

Just took me by off guard is all. Turns out self confidence is a work in progress after all.

[alien-infinity.livejournal.com]

I wasn't the best this time. And, ridiculous as this is, I felt bad. Turns out that despite all my work on exorcising this need for validation from my heart, it is still there somewhere, and it's a greedy thing. Good wasn't good enough, I had to be the best.

I can really relate to this. I have an intense need for validation sometimes. :/

[sarcasmoqueen.livejournal.com]

I don't know who to reply to regarding the whole humilty thread, so I'm just going to start my own!

I'm not the best at receiving compliments/good feedback/praise. It really embarrasses me. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE hearing something nice and good about myself from someone who isn't obliged to say it, and I am of the mindset that if you say it, you must mean it, but it still embarrasses me. It took me many years to be able to accept it gracefully - to look the giver in the eye and say a clear "Thank you!" rather than mumble something about my negative qualities while staring at the ground - and I think I do a fairly good job at it, but I have had a few occasions when someone goes on and on for (what feels like) hours, and I want to shout - "STOP IT! I'm not that good! Didn't you see all the things I did wrong??"

On the other hand, I am generous with praise to others, but I try not to gush too much since the person being praised might be like me.

Weird how that works, eh?

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

I know exactly what you mean. Actual praise, in person, made me want to die-- though I'm sure I would have felt worthless without it!

It took me years to understand that reacting poorly to a true compliment punishes the person who is trying to say or do something nice for you.

I've tried to help my daughter understand that, because she suffers from the same thing. Looking outside how I felt, to how my weird response made other people feel, really helped!

Like you, I've always found complimenting others much easier!

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I dunno, cockroaches survive like everything. I could see why someone on Survivor might want to be one.

Yay me! I have done... uhm... ask me later. Wait! I petted* the kitty! Yay me! :D


*Should this be "pet"? It's an action completed in the past that will probably happen again in the future but is not currently ongoing. What tense is that?

[ashgaelsonaria.livejournal.com]

Depends on if you want human correct. -past tense, or feline correct - future tense as you *WILL* be resuming.

[medleymisty.livejournal.com]

Okay. With my history online and knowing how I always mess up and people hate me and gossip about me in passive-aggressive ways - is this about me? I posted asking how I could improve my writing on my journal, and I did talk about having to adjust to being a noob in the comments and how I believe in trying to give everyone a chance, and I'm wondering if that was misinterpreted? I'm paranoid after years of anonymous hate secrets.

[similiesslip.livejournal.com]

::hugs:: I don't think this is about you.

[lrig-rorrim.livejournal.com]

Humans are indeed fascinating creatures! We draw strange lines sometimes between "pride" and "arrogance", between "taking credit" and "bragging". Here's an example: one of my sweeties has a shirt, a simple black t-shirt with an arrow pointing up and text that reads "I'm with genius" (http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts-apparel/unisex/generic/8876/?srp=1). This? Is not something I would ever wear. It seems arrogant. Yet, I will proudly send links to my stories to my friends, secure in the knowledge that they're good. I have a little wooden carving of the words "the menace" which my friends place in front of me when we play games, because I win so often.

I think a lot of it is cultural. I read somewhere about a guy who saved a little boy from drowning. His girlfriend was really proud of him - until he accepted the award that the city offered him. At that point she felt like it crossed the line into bragging and arrogance, because he was taking credit publicly for his good works instead of humbly just acknowledging in private the good deed. This seems weird to me. Is it only a good deed and a thing to be proud of if you keep quiet about it? Does the act transform into something selfish when one is rewarded?

Humility is a virtue, but only in moderation. Pride is a virtue, also only in moderation. But where do we draw the lines? I think we put too much emphasis on being selfless. I say this as someone who is pathologically nice, was voted most polite in fourth grade and still lives up to the title, and has been described as "a giver" by more people than I can count. I love helping people. But if we don't take care of ourselves, and think of ourselves and what we want for ourselves we can't really help others.

Anyway! That's my ramble for today! Now to make cookies!

[alien-infinity.livejournal.com]

May I say this is a FANTASTIC comment? Because it is. ^_^

[java-fiend.livejournal.com]

People who feel the need to tear other people down in order to validate themselves make me utterly sick. I think they're pretty sad and pathetic people. Possibly even worse than them though, might be the people who have mastered the fine art of faking humility who don't just tear people down but claim to do it because they're just being "realistic" and are trying to keep others from getting their hopes up about something. In addition to being total douchenozzles, those people are usually completely tone deaf (or just willfully ignorant) to their own hypocrisy and/or trollishness.

If you don't think you need praise/validation or you're not proud of anything you may have accomplished in this life, then that's all well and good. Not to mention the fact that it's *your* crap to deal with. To tell others that they're undeservedly grandstanding or thumping their chests over something that a million other people have done before them is just horseshit, in my *humble* opinion. Maybe you're not proud of anything you've ever done or will do in your life. I think that's really sad but whatever. It's your life and I'm in no position to tell you how to live it. But that doesn't mean others can't and shouldn't be proud of the things *they* accomplish and the goals the set and hit in their own lives. And if they want to stand up and say, "hey, I'm proud of that achievement," good on them. They earned the right and deserve to celebrate it. What they don't deserve is to be dragged down into the muck with the other guttersnipes. I mean really, who in the hell are you to tell them they shouldn't or they're wrong or they are acting superior to everybody else for enjoying the successes in their life?

If you have to tear others down or belittle their achievements in order for your own world to make sense and to make yourself feel better, that's pretty freaking pathetic and says a hell of a lot about you. And none of it good.

**this rant has been brought to you by too little sleep over the last couple of days combined with a thoroughly aggravating day at work. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming

[pixiebelle.livejournal.com]

I love this comment and it states everything I would have said if I wasn't stuck at work typing from my phone and stressing about everything I should be doing.

This comment is awesome and I wish I could have said it myself :)

[theafaye.livejournal.com]

So to clearly ignore Gary's post (which is obviously totally and utterly inspired by me and my whining), I've had a horribly stressful afternoon out with a friend. I think the children are suffering the after effects of gluten and dairy at our housewarming at the weekend, so they were all really badly behaved when they're normally fine (same as yesterday when we went shopping when they're usually brilliant). My friend tends to let her daughter get away with murder, so didn't see anything massively wrong with how my children were, but I did and I wasn't happy. Then we stayed a lot later than we should and then I couldn't find my way back to the A road going to Cardiff (she doesn't drive and needed me to drop her off at a train station), so she said that I could drop her off at a different station that we were right at, but then she asked whether I could wait to see if there was a long wait for a train, because obviously I have nothing better to do in rush hour traffic than drive all over the place to get her back home when she chooses not to have a car because driving is scary. Fortunately, there was a train due, so we went to Tesco to get a replacement princess dress for my youngest daughter after my husband convinced her to ditch the one she had due to being worn to pieces, only to discover that having had them on the display for weeks (seriously, it's probably been MONTHS), they reduced them a couple of days ago and they were all gone.

I got a different one on Amazon for less than I thought I'd pay in Tesco, but it's going to take a week to get here.

I got home a bit too late to go to a nice, destressing belly dancing class. I should be leaving in five minutes to go and see the Avengers movie, but I have still got to put the children to bed and I am unbelieveably wound up.

GRRRRR. No, I'm not going to put an exclamation mark at the end there. I am THAT wound up.

[similiesslip.livejournal.com]

Man, I'm sorry. Sounds so stresful!:( I hope you still get to your movie!

[medleymisty.livejournal.com]

I've been thinking about it - I'm at work and was looking on my phone earlier, so I just skimmed a bit. I got a general idea though of a discussion about comments.

Please, if you don't like my comments, let me know. I put thought and emotion and energy into them, and it's been draining me the last couple of weeks and I'm getting kind of stressed out with keeping up with everything socially, to the point where this morning I woke up with a faint ghost of the ulcer pain. So yeah - if you don't like my comments, please do tell me so that I don't waste energy on a gift that isn't appreciated.

And also - maybe a lot of it is cultural differences, because I grew up in an environment where everyone was genuinely nice. My mother said on the phone a few weeks ago "Now remember to be nice to everybody. But I don't have to tell you that. Being nice to everybody comes naturally to you."

I like to make people feel happy and to make them feel good about themselves. I know I'm really hard on myself, and I don't want people to feel the way that I feel sometimes. So I try to make sure that they know that they're valuable and they have something to offer and that I care and that I think they're important. It's what I was raised to do, in the same rural working class town where Andy Griffith grew up and where we have Snappy Lunch and Floyd's Barbershop on Main Street and I've been to Pilot Mountain more times than I can count.

So being nice and giving compliments and trying to make people feel good is what I grew up around and what is acceptable in my home culture. If it doesn't work for you, because you grew up differently or whatever, please just let me know and I will respect that.

[alien-infinity.livejournal.com]

With me, it's complicated because I like getting compliments but still have trouble accepting them as true. As I've said before, I'm horribly insecure with low self-esteem. This makes compliment-getting rather uneasy at times. Often, I don't feel worthy of whatever compliment I receive. On the other hand, when I don't get compliments or validation, I can get really, really down and self-hating.

I don't have a problem with your being nice or giving compliments; I just have some personal issues around that sort of thing. Comment replies and compliments ARE appreciated, even if I'm not the most graceful at receiving them.

Late Commenter League: After Work Edition

[xo-kizzy-xo.livejournal.com]

(actually I came home from work awhile ago, but we just got in from taking The Kidz on yet another Extraordinarily Long Walk)

The article Gary referenced, to me, sounds like the typical case of "sour grapes", as in "wah-wah-wah-nobody-did-X-to-me-so-why-should-I-do-it-to-you?" I haven't run across this online as much as I have IRL, which is probably for the best because witnessing it IRL can be quite distressing.

I do think, though, there is a cultural component to it. Those of us who were regimentally schooled had the "Never stick out from the pack" rule drilled into us along with the "You are not better than So-and-So and So-and-So is not better than you" rule. It made for a more even playing field in some respects; in other respects, it tended to make one question his or her individuality. Those who flaunted their individuality were quickly shot down. You're supposed to be another brick in the wall and you don't question it because it's always been this way and will always be this way, forever and ever, amen.

When you grow up and realize that many, many people didn't have that kind of upbringing and/or schooling...yeah, it can mess with your head quite a bit.

ANYWAY, I'm praying my computer isn't in its death throes. It's been making a horrible whining sound all day :eek:

Re: Late Commenter League: After Work Edition

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Oh no! I hope it's okay. Perhaps a little compressed air? Maybe it's just dusty or something.

[ashgaelsonaria.livejournal.com]

The blue ray on my blue ray player died so I had to replace it.
I found a 3D blue ray player with wifi on sale for 100$ (106) and grabbed it cause the cheapest blue ray player was still 80$ and it did not have wifi.
Yay me!

[notodette.livejournal.com]

I build myself up and I force my friends list to build me up, too. I'm lucky they like me...mostly.

(http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v604/darlenarose/Macros/?action=view&current=tumblr_lq940oirwi1qkks19.gif)

[lawchicky.livejournal.com]

Gary, you're making me paranoid. I always tend to think that bad comments are somehow about me. It's a flaw and I can't help in. The hubby is the same way. We both wind up feeling guilty for things all the time even when we had nothing to do with it.

Stress city around here. Sal took a moment to throw a glass bottle, and while I was attempting to pay bills, he peed all over the new couch. I also spent OVER an hour trying to give legal advice to an old client, realizing about 10 minutes into the conversation that she had no intention of paying me for any of this free legal advice, and STILL I couldn't get myself out of the conversation.

Ugh. As if I have nothing else to do!

I'm now three episodes behind on Survivor. So I have NO idea what Gary is talking about.

[ashgaelsonaria.livejournal.com]

I don't even watch reality shows.
Much less one in which people get a servivalist vacation that a lot of people would pay a small fortune for - free. With the addition that they get the chance to win a lot of monie.
But heck One gets the jist of it with out that! .

[jacq22.livejournal.com]

Didn't read much yesterday, due to being so sad. But the stray cat, no.3. cat, the one who just walked into our lives 2 years ago, was suddenly so sick I had to take him to be put to sleep.
He was 'only a stray' but we fed and loved him, he was a wild creature for the first six months, then he allowed touching, and came in to get fed. We called him Cedric, he learned to communicate, and was always 'polite' well mannered and gentle, he craved to be with me, as I always fed him, he sat in the sunshine with me, came to sit near my chair when I was on the verandah , and yesterday we were together for the last time, i cried buckets of tears, and it still hurts. RIP Cedric.

[kathrynrose.livejournal.com]

Hugs. I'm so sorry.