The Killing Floor - Week 9
May. 17th, 2014 06:43 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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therealljidolIf you are interested in having a piece of writing receive some constructive criticism from your peers - this is the place to post it!
The first 5 entries, from people who have not already had their turn - are eligible!
Have fun!
The first 5 entries, from people who have not already had their turn - are eligible!
Have fun!
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2014-05-18 12:00 am (UTC)The Heart of Time (http://roina-arwen.livejournal.com/1628343.html)
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Date: 2014-05-20 02:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-05-20 09:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-05-21 04:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-05-22 04:36 pm (UTC)Which, please don't misunderstand, works well as a short piece like this. :-) It captures a mood with great imagery. I just think you'd need more to sustain it over a longer narrative, and I'm not sure from whence you'd draw it with the existing material. Of course, I'm sure you could come up with something. :-)
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Date: 2014-05-22 04:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-05-23 12:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-05-18 01:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-05-20 03:03 pm (UTC)The most important thing to consider is your POV of choice. There are endless essays and guidelines for learning about POV, here's just one -
http://www.novel-writing-help.com/point-of-view-in-literature.html
Here's an example of where this is not clear in your narrative -
Startled, Naya looked into the darkened corner behind the counter. She had not seen Laron standing there. The relief she felt when she saw him was nearly overwhelming. He looked astounded. She smiled. She did not realize how her smile transformed her face. Suddenly, Laron could see the girl he had known, in this hard looking woman who stood in front of him.
You've switched from Laron's POV as Naya enters the store and we got a bit of exposition and now we're here and it appears to be from Naya's POV until mid-way through the paragraph and it switches back to Laron's POV. This is almost too much omniscience for the reader, as though the writer is telling the reader how to think about and perceive the characters. You want the reader to have to do some of the work and oftentimes, you want the reader to "choose" one of your characters to focus on, this kind of splitting of POV makes that difficult.
There's a lot of story here and much of is told rather than shown, perhaps it's too much story to be written short? Don't be afraid to write this long. You can pick and choose the scenes that you most want to bring to life on the page, write those out, write them again longer, editing more scene and exposition in between paragraphs, more internal monologue and external dialogue. You can string all the scenes together later like shiny beads on a string.
As to this particular vignette, the main thrust is the idea that Loran would wait so long for Naya. That's the perfect jumping-off place for your editing expansion - WHY would he do that? WHAT is powering this unrequited love???
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Date: 2014-05-20 09:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-05-23 12:37 am (UTC)The POV thing, and the feeling that it's a much bigger story than there is room for in a short story.
That second thing is really great, though, because you've got a story and characters here that I want to adventure around with, and I want to see their back story as well. Meaning, this could be a novel if you want to write it.
:)
Dragon Prime
Date: 2014-05-18 04:41 am (UTC)Caffree
Best read in order.
Coment on all or part.
1 - http://ashgaelsonaria.livejournal.com/214788.html
2 - http://ashgaelsonaria.livejournal.com/215748.html
3 - http://ashgaelsonaria.livejournal.com/217379.html
4 - http://ashgaelsonaria.livejournal.com/220076.html
5 - http://ashgaelsonaria.livejournal.com/221607.html
6 - http://ashgaelsonaria.livejournal.com/225942.html
7 - http://ashgaelsonaria.livejournal.com/233852.html
8-http://ashgaelsonaria.livejournal.com/238288.html
9-http://ashgaelsonaria.livejournal.com/240201.html
10-http://ashgaelsonaria.livejournal.com/245236.html
Re: Dragon Prime
Date: 2014-05-20 11:16 pm (UTC)The first thing that struck me—you have thoughts put into ^^. While there's nothing inherently wrong with this, it's a little jarring—I'd stick with something like italics instead—it's more standard, and it makes it a little easier to see what's going on.
Now, then. Your pacing is really good—not too fast or too slow, which considering that this is a scene in which a lot happens, is really nice. The characters that you're writing read like people, which, again, is really good—while I enjoy fan fiction, a lot of the time, one of the problems I have with it is that people tend to get lazy and use the canon characterization as a shortcut so that they don't have to bother fully fleshing out the characters they're writing about—after all, clearly the canon creator(s) have already done that, and if someone is reading their fic, they're familiar with the show, so whatever, why not be lazy? You don't have that issue—your characters feel real, as they react to what's happening, and that's nice to see.
The major issue I see with your writing is two-fold. One, you definitely need someone to proofread what you're posting. You mentioned in the comments on the first piece that you are dysgraphic; that's fine, and more power to you for writing—but things would be a lot clearer if you could find someone to beta-read for you and correct the errors that aren't going to be caught by spell-check, etc.
The other problem that I potentially see is that you switch tenses, a lot. You started in past-tense, then moved to present, then back to past, then finally present...it's really jarring, as a reader, to be switching tenses so often, and it made it difficult for me to follow exactly what was happening, when we switched points of view, as well. This is something that a good beta will catch and correct, but it's something you should be aware of, too—that it's happening, so you know it as something to watch for.
The only other thing I can see to comment on is more of a personal preference—using all-caps for emphasis is, again, jarring to your reader. I'd try to make it a little clearer from context that what's happening is supposed to be emphasized. For instance (and this is not based on anything in your story):
"NO!" she said. "LEAVE ME ALONE!"
is an example of something using all-caps for emphasis, when it could instead be written:
"No!" she shouted, taking a step back. "Leave me alone!"
In one, we only have the capitalization to indicate that anything is wrong—in the other, we've got the word-choice ('shouted' vs 'said') and we've also got a better description of what's happening in the scene—the character in question is telling someone to get away from them as they are physically removing themselves from the situation, with the latter giving more to your reader to visualize, and improving the scene.
These are the largest issues I see with your writing, and all of them can be fixed pretty easily—by finding a good beta. You've got a good story to tell—now you just need someone to help you with the nitty-gritty. Hanging around a fan community dedicated to Anne McCaffrey should help you find someone to beta-read for you, and they'll also help with the canon details.
Good luck! :)
Re: Dragon Prime
Date: 2014-05-21 08:36 pm (UTC)I copy and past most posts and I loose most of my formating otherwise I would use italics for the telepathic sendings (denoted with ^^) this is also why the parragraphs are seperated with an extra line instead of indented.
I really really know that I need and editor for all of my work but I do not really have anything to offer in exchange.
Heck if I did I would have them start with _A Vampire Tragidy_ and _Something Zombie_.
Not many people will do that sort of work for Panting by an unknown artist (See my Icon) and hand crafted jewelry by same artist. Sure I hand string and knot peaces but people are not really all that interested in that stuff.
I have many minor talints - I'm just not good enough at any one thing too make any funds at it.
Which are all I have to offer in exchange for the work.
I originaly linked them to the PernFanfiction lj and (if you wanted to read the comments) only focused on the story and cannon.
Re: Dragon Prime
Date: 2014-05-21 09:57 pm (UTC)It might take a while, but I think you could find someone willing to do editing for you in exchange for having you recc their stuff or whatnot. Don't give up just yet!
Re: Dragon Prime
Date: 2014-05-21 07:46 am (UTC)There's a nice sense of urgency, and the locations are very clear - the nursery with the children, the ship, etc. I'm definitely interested to know more of what happens with the little girl, what her headache signifies, etc.
You might take a look at "showing vs telling" - for example,
"As one of the orphans of the Varsath she did not have a lot of choices, even if she was considered to be a hero and was credited with saving the lives of the children, their care takers and teacher when a shower of small meteorites had shredded the rest of the ship."
Unless her background is something we absolutely must know right this minute, it's good to avoid this type of "info-dump" and let the information be revealed in smaller pieces. Some of it through her thoughts, some of it through things other people say to her or observe about her or tell each other about her. But it feels "off" that she's lying there assessing an emergency situation and thinking,
"I don't have a lot of choices, even if I am considered to be a hero and credited with saving the lives of the children, their caretakers, and teacher when a shower of small meteorites had shredded the rest of the ship."
Maybe she'd think, "Oh, god, not another meteorite shower." Or, "Not again--does this ship have an escape tunnel? Not that the last one did us much good."
You might also take a look at POV - we see the world through a number of different characters, and it's not always clear who we're with at a given moment. Maybe pare down the POV switches and put bigger chunks of each character together?
One last thought - it's intimidating as a reader to see ten links. I can't remember if we put out a suggested word limit on the Killing Floor entries, but ten links is probably too many, and it's off-putting to start the first one feeling like the author expects you to read nine more. Smaller pieces might generate more feedback.
Congratulations on embarking on a long-range, in-depth project!
Re: Dragon Prime
Date: 2014-05-21 08:26 pm (UTC)Sorry about the links
I had not realized that parts of the story would be unclear to people unfamiler with the veriouse worlds of Anne McCaffree.
The main character is a powerful telepath and psycokenetic (ALA The Rowen/Prime siries). As a little girl she shuilded the part of the ship she was in. She did not have time in the incedent before hitting her head to think so her thoughts are the innital dream sequence. the ship (ala the ship who sang/the ship series) was not hit by meteors the ort cloud houses a vorasiouse myhocorrizod that is awakened by heat and consumes all organic matereal. (Dragons Dawn/the Pern books)
It might be interesting to rewrite the peace with the layperson (Non McCaffree fan) in mind as there is clearly a lot that requires knowladge of her books to really get.
FYI the name of the world Pern came from the letters on the planit servey P.E.R.N. = Parallel Earth Resoces Nominal
no subject
Date: 2014-05-18 04:44 am (UTC)The past is prologue. (http://miintikwa.livejournal.com/2002896.html)
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Date: 2014-05-20 04:19 pm (UTC)As for the end, it seemed a little weird to me that Ixtria was so calm when her mother had just died - maybe play up her grief a little bit? That's the only thing I can think of to make it stronger, sorry!
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Date: 2014-05-20 06:31 pm (UTC)Thanks again!
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Date: 2014-05-22 11:41 pm (UTC)Ironically, this makes the Now a lot harder for me to envision than the Past. I feel like I need more about the surroundings. Other than a couch, I'm not all sure what this place is like.
Random question: If Pharlen is the third child, where's #1?
For the ending ... since it's more a hand-off than anything else, it does sort of come across as "middle chapter" territory. I feel like having the mother trying (failing?) to explain the meaning of what her daughter Sees might introduce a bit more drama or tension? As it is, it's more about mood than conflict ... which isn't a bad thing, necessarily, but one has to position such a story accordingly.
I think you have the kernel of a strong story here -- there's a lot of thought, imagination, world-building involved here, and it shows through. I think we just need to see more of it. :-)
no subject
Date: 2014-05-23 03:59 am (UTC)Pharlen is the third child, where's #1?
#1 (Jaken!) is on his fosterage, with another elven Family elsewhere. Ordinarily, Ixtria would have been fostering, too, but she and Jaken are not close in age, so she's too young still.
Thank you again! :) I will work on expanding the surrounding details and that will definitely be a good start on making it better.
Wrote this a while back...
Date: 2014-05-18 04:55 am (UTC)http://ellakite.livejournal.com/306562.html
Re: Wrote this a while back...
Date: 2014-05-20 03:42 pm (UTC)Re: Wrote this a while back...
Date: 2014-05-20 08:55 pm (UTC)Re: Wrote this a while back...
Date: 2014-05-22 04:53 pm (UTC)A couple of smaller thoughts:
It's pretty obvious you have a lot of material here from which to construct an epic tale. I think you just need to decide how much or how fast you want to tell that tale, and go from there. Just mind your adverbs. ;-)
That's it
Date: 2014-05-18 05:28 am (UTC)Please give these brave souls some constructive criticism on their work!