LJ Idol Presents:

<TRAVIS_BICKLE_VOICE>
You talkin' to me?

You talkin' to me?

You talkin' to me?
</TRAVIS_BICKLE_VOICE>


OK. Let me back up a bit.

I don't know if Gary was *SPECIFICALLY* sharing this because of some posts I've made. Even if he was, it could be that Gary's message is also directed to several other people as well. I don't want to make any assumptions.

But the simple fact is that certain things Gary said resonated with me *VERY* strongly. Especially this bit:

For all of the worry and concern that you might not be good enough - you are here. For all of the needing encouragement, you believe enough in yourself to hope that others see it as well.

Hopefully, at some point, you'll realize that and figure out what about all of this invigorates you and makes you so passionate about sharing your work with others, and what you are hoping they take away from that experience.


I'm being as honest as possible here: when I started participating last year, I did it as an act of desperation. I could feel I was sliding into a depressive funk, and thought that by writing about my issues in the form of fiction would help get the worst of it out of my system. Plus the format of the competition would force me to write *SOMETHING* at least once a week. I got involved in LJI as a form of therapy, with my shrink's support. And that's all I thought it was going to be.

But you see... the whole reason *WHY* I was seeing a shrink was due to my having almost no self-esteem to speak of. Hell, there were times when I absolutely *LOATHED* myself. As I've said repeatedly in a recent post in my own blog: I saw my flaws, not my talent.

It is only very, *VERY* recently that I've finally admitted to myself: I've got talent. As Gary says, I could not have lasted this long in LJI if I didn't.

I'm still not sure I can say exactly what it is I bring to LJI, because I'm still in the process of accepting my own talent. But I know I must bring *SOMETHING*, because I get so many compliments from so many competitors.

I can't tell you exactly what it is that keeps me in the game, keeps me going... but I am actively trying to figure that out. Consider me a work in progress.

I may not be able to define my talent, and I probably will regularly ask for feedback from other folks to help me figure out how to hone my talent further... but I'll stop saying that I don't have any. You have my promise on that.

PS: Thank you *ALL* for your kind words and support.