LJ Idol Presents:

First, don't take the polls, especially in week 2, as the measuring stick of whether or not this piece is working. You did get some great comments and you should focus on the positive energy that your readers were conveying back to you.

Second, keep writing. Overpolishing or micro-editing a piece before you have your rough rough draft is not conducive to getting the story out of your head and into readable words. You CAN use: Character Sheets, storyboarding, scene scripting, and non-linear writing. All or one or a combination of these things can help spark the fire.

Yes, the reader is hooked by this opening bit. It does need a line-by-line critique and edit but NOT RIGHT NOW.

Technically, the tendency to contract nouns such as this - shocks're - is something that doesn't work for me in the internal monologuing. It's fine in your dialogue. Dialectal.

Also, if this is a part of a longer piece, you may want to storyboard it so that you know if you're giving too much away in the beginning. Don't give everything away! Let the reader and the other characters have to do some work to earn the information.

I like the italics for the "other" voice. Nice. But you might not want to use italics to emphasize words in dialogue, again, though, that's more of a line edit than anything else. Try writing a piece of italicized dialogue without it and using expression or action to replace it, in order to convey the meaning.

I like that this is creepy. And I like that it's about a young male.

KEEP GOING.