I think that when you're creating a stressful mood for the reader - something that will disorient them, or build suspense, etc. - it's helpful to use those tools sparingly, and to bookend those sections in some semblance of normalcy in your prose. I think your average reader can get through a couple of paragraphs in that frantic run-on sentence style, but after awhile they will begin to scan in self-defense. I think the run-on sentence has more impact when it's contrasted with more normal prose here and there to anchor it.
You had a really interesting idea, and some strong imagery. I really liked this line:
these whispers in my dreams your wrinkled cheek like a thousand broken furrows across the dust bowl, this ancient, ragged cheek pressed against mine, her lips sucking at my brow drawing out my life and energy...
It gave me a visceral reaction, imagining this crone, with her dry wrinkled skin, her malevolent intent, putting her lips to someone's brow and stealing their life. This was strong.
You had a lot of description around the house itself, and I found myself eager to get past the layout of each room and on to more action in the story. But then there was one section where you began to describe the people who had lived there, and that perked me right up:
"not the bedrooms one after another where two generations of upper middle-class girls grew up with their cheaper by the dozen brothers and bureaucratic father and social climbing mother struggling to reach toward her betters and be kind to those below her station but not let them in with her no not yet..."
So overall, I would say this is a strong premise with a few things I'd love to see more of (characterizations, breaks in what I'd call "frantic prose"). I can't wait to see the final version!
Re: tone OKAY HERE IT IS
Okay, so here are my thoughts.
I think that when you're creating a stressful mood for the reader - something that will disorient them, or build suspense, etc. - it's helpful to use those tools sparingly, and to bookend those sections in some semblance of normalcy in your prose. I think your average reader can get through a couple of paragraphs in that frantic run-on sentence style, but after awhile they will begin to scan in self-defense. I think the run-on sentence has more impact when it's contrasted with more normal prose here and there to anchor it.
You had a really interesting idea, and some strong imagery. I really liked this line:
these whispers in my dreams your wrinkled cheek like a thousand broken furrows across the dust bowl, this ancient, ragged cheek pressed against mine, her lips sucking at my brow drawing out my life and energy...
It gave me a visceral reaction, imagining this crone, with her dry wrinkled skin, her malevolent intent, putting her lips to someone's brow and stealing their life. This was strong.
You had a lot of description around the house itself, and I found myself eager to get past the layout of each room and on to more action in the story. But then there was one section where you began to describe the people who had lived there, and that perked me right up:
"not the bedrooms one after another where two generations of upper middle-class girls grew up with their cheaper by the dozen brothers and bureaucratic father and social climbing mother struggling to reach toward her betters and be kind to those below her station but not let them in with her no not yet..."
So overall, I would say this is a strong premise with a few things I'd love to see more of (characterizations, breaks in what I'd call "frantic prose"). I can't wait to see the final version!